Sunday, August 16, 2009

Doing better

I feel as if I am waking up from a coma. The past two days have been surreal as I begin to really feel more like myself and actually see the world around me. I have been a little overwhelmed as I notice more and more things that I have left undone over the past two weeks that I now have to catch up on. I am determined to take it a step at a time though and not stress myself out.

There have been many things that I am so grateful for as we have gone through this experience.

I am grateful for my ward. We have so many wonderful sisters at church that have been a huge support for me.

I am grateful for my neighborhood. The moms here have been more than amazing. It is times like this that you realize who your real friends are, and I am so blessed to have some wonderful friends that I have made here in the neighborhood. I am so thankful for the meals, the babysitting, the cards, phone calls and well wishes from all of you.

I am grateful for my family. I cannot begin to express how much I love all of you. You have been my strength to lean on. I am so thankful for a loving husband and my sweet Kirsten. I had no idea that a 4 year old could be so thoughtful, loving, kind and understanding. I love you.

I have gradually been feeling better each day, but I can honestly pinpoint the minute that I realized I would be okay and things really started to look up. It was Friday afternoon when my daddy got home from Germany and came to see me. I cannot tell you how it felt to cry in the arms of one of my parents. To share this grief with them, a grief that only a parent can know. And then for him to tell me, as only a parent can, that he loves me, that it is okay to grieve this loss, and that I really will be okay. Jeremy and I have decided to plant a fruit tree in the backyard as a memorial to our baby, to keep a part of them with us.

Friday afternoon Kirsten took a nap (a miracle, I know) and I was able to immerse myself in the scriptures and had some private time to pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father. Friday we went to a dinner party and some good friends of ours were there who have and are still going through similar experiences as us. We were able to finally talk openly with them about our struggles, hopes, fears, and pains. Thank you for being there. Saturday morning I went to a brunch with some friends in the neighborhood. As I was driving home, I realized that I was the happiest that I have felt in some time. Today at church, Kirsten fell asleep during sacrament meeting. She has not done that in probably 3 years. What it meant was that I was actually able to listen today. It was one of those simple, yet tender mercies from our Heavenly Father.

I have to say that I am honestly grateful for this experience. I know that sounds strange, and it does not mean that it still does not hurt, or that it won't still hurt for a while. But, over the past two weeks, as I have struggled both physically and emotionally, I have come to know my Savior in a whole new way. I have grown to more fully understand his atoning sacrifice and what it really means in my life. I am grateful for the renewed sense of His presence and Spirit that I feel in my life. I know that our Father in Heaven loves us, and knows us personally. He is our Father and Creator. He allows us to face trials so that we might become more like Him and be prepared to return to His presence. I am so grateful for this knowledge. I am grateful that Jeremy, Kirsten, and I have grown closer as a family through this. We are trying to focus on what we have, not what we don't, because what we have is wonderful.

I know that I have rambled a bit, but thank you for letting me do this. I am not very good at keeping a journal, and so this has become my outlet of sorts.

Before I go, I wanted to share a picture of my brother, John aka PFC Lowe, in his dress blues. Boy does he turn heads in that uniform. He is back at Camp Pembleton in CA for Combat training. We sure miss having him here.


The Alleman Jamboree with C&D said...

I am so glad you are doing better. We sure love you guys and have been in our prayers. Always know that we are here for you to lean on. we love you!

Mom Alleman said...

We're so thankful that our prayers have been answered and that you (and all of us that love you) have been comforted and strengthened.